What is Domestic Violence

A behaviour that reflects one's attempt and possible success at controlling someone using physical force, sexual coercion and or brainwashing.

The abuse can include:

  • Physical Abuse - slaps, punches, kicks, dragging, beating, biting, burning, hitting with objects, chocking, stabbing and chopping.
  • Sexual Abuse - forced sex or rape, insults to sexual self such as forcing a partner to act out fantasies
  • Emotional/Psychological Abuse - based on power and control of the mind e.g. derogatory remarks, insults, threats, isolation, brainwashing, threatening, preventing some from earning money or denying money or necessities, withholding sex, preventing from taking a job, keeping family finances a secret, controlling money.
  • Verbal Abuse - jealousy, keeping you from your family/friends, scaring you, threatening harm or death, stalking, name-calling, put downs, insults, neglect, telling you you're crazy/stupid, treating you as a child, intimidation.
  • Profile of an Abuser - Very controlling gives curfews, dictates what should be done in the home, dictates whether you should work or not, who you should talk to and what you should wear.
  • Often angry, swearing and shouting.
  • Very possessive, needs to have you around all or most of the time.
  • Very jealous gets mad when you speak to a member of the opposite sex and when you give others, including the children attention.

The Cycle of Domestic Violence

  • The battering behaviour usually follows a definite cycle, which often becomes a pattern made up of the following three stages:
  1. Tension Building  Stage:
  • Abuser is angry, may begin to destroy your belongings
  • Abuser is very insulting
  • Abuser instigates quarrels

Your reaction/response:

You may want to retaliate at firt, by quarreling or fighting, but you soon realize that you won't win, so you just accept the situation. Most times you blame yourself for what's happening.

 

    2. Battering Incident:

     Physical and sexual attacks and treats Abuser may hit, punch, bite, stab or beat you.

 

Your reaction/response

You are terrified at this point, you may want to run away, you may want to seek help from the police or physician. You may even think of telling a friend or family member. You may isolate yourself from everyone until the scars heal.

 

    3. Honeymoon/Manipulative Stage:

  • Abuser may become apologetic, and begs for forgiveness, promising that it will never happen again.
  • Abuser will want to do anything to please you, such as taking you out giving you gifts, trips or money.
  • Abuser may become more loving and sensitive to your needs.

Your reaction/Response:

You may become confused, tend to forgive and decide not to leave the relationship. However it will not be long before a new cycle starts.

 

Why is it a Cycle?

  • Once you accept one stage, you automatically move to another.
  • As the cycle repeats itself, each stage gets worse, the beatings become more control and get more manipulative.

How Can I Break the Cycle?

  • Educate yourself.. it is educating yourself that you recognize each stage and begin to understand that your situation is not unique. This behaviour is typical of all abusers, and the abuse is intentional.
  • Get help; go to an organization such as the Family Court (talk to them about getting a protection order), the welfare or police victim empowerment officer. You can also call RIET Family Guidance Centre: 083 400 1630
  • Move. Get out of that situation by finding alternative housing, if you are not able to get your own place consider staying with family or friends, but you must make sure that you are safe.
  • Get counseling
  • Ensure that you and your children remain safe. Prepare or get help in preparing a protection plan.

How do I break free from the dependency?

  • Get out of the enviroment. Get a protection order, depending on the situation you may also need an occupation order
  • Ask yourself these questions:
  1. How am I dependent on my partner?
  2. Is it financially, or emotionally?
  3. What are my alternatives?  
  4. How am I going to deal with this dependency?
  5. What further steps can I take to avoid going back into the abuse relationship?
  6. Establish a support system. Talk to someone, friends or family about the situation. 

You may need help to do it, but you can manage without your abusive partner.

 

How you can move on:

  1. Establish new realistic goals for yourself.
  2. Determine how you can achieve your goals with out your partner's presence.
  3. Give yourself a time-frame to achieve your goals.

 

GET MOVING ON WITH YOUR NEW LIFE

 

RIET Family Guidance Centre provides a 24 hour service for female victims of domestic abuse and their children.

 

Services Include:

  • Short-term emergency accommodation
  • Provision of basic needs, such as, meals, emergency clothing, personal hygiene, etc.
  • Counseling and legal advice
  • Information on available community resources
  • Education on domestic abuse
  • Assistance to develop a Protection Plan
  • Empowerment Training
  • Children's programmes:- Pre-school and day care centre